Feeling very negative towards myself lately. It’s been a real downer - obviously.
Sometimes I sit and think about all the things I have that should make me happy. Like that Submarines song. But I’ve still been down a lot.
I have a good idea of why I’ve been down, but I feel like all the great things in my life are suppose to counteract it. If the good and bad things in my life were divided onto a set of scales, I think the number of good things would outweigh the bad. I just need to keep reminding myself of that.
I think soon I will write a post about all the great things I have and why I should be happy. Then when I’m feeling negative, I can go back to it and hopefully it’ll help me feel better.
Here’s at least one thing for the list! Shoulder possum!
Feeling very negative towards myself lately. It’s been a real downer - obviously.
1. Today is day three of me feeling pretty good!
2. I ended up feeling kind of bad yesterday afternoon because I had to drive in terrible traffic to pick Phil up from work which got me all stressed and worked up and I felt awful by the time I got to his work.
3. But today, I feel *almost* great! I stayed up kind of late last night and me and Phil got up early to go birding so I was super tired this afternoon. So I took a nap and dozed for a long time and while I don’t feel as tired anymore, I feel a little queasy. Though that often happens to me after I take a nap when I feel normal so I actually think it’s a good sign! :P
4. All in all, I’m feeling optimistic about my health. I’m going to keep trying to rest and not do too much too soon. I’m going to stay pretty chilled tomorrow too because Saturday we’re having loads of people over for a Warhammer thing and we’re going to have to run around and clean the house before people get here and then I’m going to have to like, be sociable and stuff. o_o
1. I’ve been thinking the last few days about how I’m still not 100% back to normal after 5 weeks of being sick. And wondering if it’s something more serious than just a fluycoldy thing still clinging on to me for dear life.
2. I keep thinking about how sore my rib cage and back are. And how tired and fatigued I get just from taking a shower. And about the shooting pain I get in my head every now and then, and how my ears will sometimes go fuzzy, and how sore my jaw is and how my eyes seem to constantly sting and how my heart does this little weird fluttering thing at least once a day and how I keep waking up with a sore throat (though it usually feels better after I eat) how I feel nauseous after almost every meal and if I smell food when I’m not hungry, and how once I start coughing, I keep coughing and how every time I cough I gag.
3. And I worry that there might be something really wrong.
4. But then I remember that when I first got sick I was stupid and went to a writing meeting and then a bonfire and I didn’t rest properly for the first three days and how I didn’t eat very much because I just felt too sick and how I didn’t drink enough either because my throat was sore and I didn’t want to have to get up to pee the water out later and how I kept staying up late and how I kept working and not resting even though I felt dreadful and how I ate junk food because the idea of fruits and vegetables and most sources of protein made me feel nauseous and how I played soccer the last two Sundays like an idiot and thought it was okay and that’s probably why my rib cage hurts because my lungs weren’t ready for all those little runs up the field I did, and my eyes are probably stinging because I’ve been going to bed so late every night and getting up early every morning, and how it probably doesn’t help that our house is always somewhere between 50 and 56 degrees inside, and I also remember just how stressed and worried I was throughout the end of November and December when I thought that something happened when it actually didn’t and just how much it weighed on my shoulders to the point where they physically ached and my heart hurt and I felt like crying all the time, and how even though I know that it didn’t happen, I still feel like it did and maybe the shock of it all is still weighing heavy on me, along with the fact that I ran a marathon two months ago and then decided it was a good idea to start Insanity a week later and maybe by being sick for 5 weeks my body is just telling me that it is tired, tired, so fucking tired and I just need to stop worrying about things that probably didn’t and won’t happen, and stop stressing about what people might be, but probably aren’t thinking or saying, and stop pushing myself and berating myself, and just fucking give myself a proper rest.
5. Or maybe these are all just excuses I make and I’m really like, dying or something
1. It’s so dark outside for 8 o’clock in the morning.
2. Despite the pouring rain (which usually means warm weather here) it’s 37 degrees out. Maypop is still tucked away in her drawer. Rowan is still sleeping in the garage and appears to have little interest in abandoning her bed. None of the cats are to be seen in the yard, and the kittens are both purring in my lap.
3. Going to go curl up with my book and read the morning away!
1. According to Tumblr, I have made 863 posts and liked 1,048 posts.
2. I think I’m going to start reblogging more stuff. I barely reblog anything and there’s really no reason to not… and then you guys can see what I like! :P That’s going to be something I try to do more in 2013.
3. I’ve got a whole lot of lists and goals and “resolutions” going for 2013.
4. I’m going to start back up with Insanity. I really enjoyed it until things in November got crazy and then I got sick. I’m still not fully recovered, but fingers crossed I’ll be ready to start again by January second.
5. I’m going to work on my short distance running. I think I got the long distance thing down pat - now I want to get faster (though I still am pretty proud of my 9 minute miles for the first 10 miles of the marathon!! Still can’t believe it!!) But sine I’ve been out of the running game for two months now and I’ve been sick, it’s going to take a lot of work to get back into it and to start cutting down my time. There’s a 5k in May I want to do and I want to be awesome at it! Ideally, I want to get down to 7 minute miles, but I think it would be a stretch to do that in less than 5 months.
Also, I’d like to go back to Medoc Mountain in October, but for the 10-miler this time. I think that’ll be good fun.
6. I got a sketch-a-day journal for Christmas! So I’m going to be using that and if I have any good sketches I will try to post them here.
7. I’ve also joined my brother-in-law and younger sister in doing a photo a week. They are both into photography (I love it too, but with a much crappier camera than they) and want to keep sharp. Phil’s going to be joining in too! Each one of us will chose a theme for the week and we all have to take a photo matching the theme. So watch this space for my photo a week! :D First week is going to be “self portrait”!
8. Also, I’m doing a Big Year! Well, a little big year. Basically between me, Phil, Rich, and my father-in-law Norman, one of us has to see the most species of bird within a 120 mile radius of where we live. It’s going to be fun, and I’m going to be blogging about in on Xanga. I’ll post a link here when I make a birding update for anyone who is interested in following our progress. One of my mini goals for the Big Year is to see all the species of owl in this area! I’m super excited about that, and hoping to get some photos of them!
9. Other things I want to work on this year:
A. Building up stock in my Etsy in preparation for next Christmas. I think I would have sold a lot more possum ornaments if they had been ready to go instead of made-to-order. I still sold 58 in total, between September and December. I’m hoping to sell a lot more next Christmas - especially since I want to come up with a few new designs and maybe even other animals. I will be minimizing the work I do on Esty to evenings and weekends. I also want to design more cards and sell them too.
B. My main focus - at least for the first three months of the year - is going to be writing. I have a few new ideas rocking around in my head and I really want to explore them. I want to keep office hours with my writing and be much more disciplined than I was this year. Instead of writing in my spare time, I’m going to make writing my main focus.
C. Buy and wear real clothes daily. I admit, the novelty of wearing my pajamas everyday while I work is wearing off. For one thing, I appreciate my real pajamas less at night when I put them on before going to bed. For another thing, I feel silly when people see me in the middle of the day wearing pajamas. They kind of make me feel like a lazy ass. I want to get clothes that are comfy but for day time to wear while I write at home.
D. I really want to do a proper garden this year, and also continue work on beautifying our yard. So regular time spent out in the garden and yard is something that I want to happen. Not only is it good and therapeutic, but it’ll also be good for my writer’s brain.
E. Also, a big thing I want to do this year is stop caring so much about what people think of me. I’ve pretty much let that rule my life for the last six months and I’m fed up and sick of it! In the last two months it has been especially bad, and it has even go as far as to affect my marriage. Once I realized that, I knew that I had let things go too far. So… (yes, I’m going to swear) FUCK what anyone says about me, and especially about me and Phil as a couple. If you are not in this relationship, than you have no ground for saying anything about it.
10. So yeah, that’s what I got going on next year! Really looking forward to it :)
1. Uuuuggghhh I should be working.
2. I have so much work to do.
3. But I feel sick, tired, and very seriously emotionally jerked around
4. I talked to BOTH of my parents on the phone today for a considerable amount of time which is……unusual.
5. And I have that strange sort of feeling like if I move from where I’m sitting the whole world is going to fall apart.
6. I feel messed up and like I want to talk to someone and also like destroying everything in the world ever.
1. Me and Phil decorated the house the other night!
2. I’m annoyed that I’m sick in December. It really means that I end up miserable throughout a lot of my favorite Christmassy things - like buying our tree and putting up the decorations. Plus I haven’t been able to clean the house so it’s a confusing mess of lovely Christmasness and horrible ickiness.
3. I really don’t want to stay home all day tomorrow. I’m still feel bleaugh today, but I’m hoping maybe by tomorrow I will be able to venture away from my little nestie…
6. I think sometimes you can kind of forget who you are if you don’t spend enough time with yourself.
7. It’s kind of like when you hang out with a friend a lot, and then suddenly you don’t see them so much for a while. You lose touch of the person and when you come back to them, you don’t know them as well. They changed while you were parted and maybe they like different food now, or different colors, and they have new stories that you never knew about before.
8. If I don’t spend enough time alone, I sometimes feel like I lose sight of who I really am, and the things that I really like. They are usually things I don’t want to share with other people because I like to think that I’m the only person who truly knows about them (I’m kind of selfish like that). Plus, they are often things that other people aren’t all that interested in (at least people in my age group), so I find they are best enjoyed alone.
9. It’s tough though because I’ve been getting heat from people lately to be more outgoing and less of a loner and stuff. I think outgoing people have a hard time understanding people who like to be alone. And for some reason they choose to get angry at loners instead of making an effort to understand…
1. Okay guys. I know everyone’s focused on the election right now, but here it is straight up.
2. We have no money.
3. Like actually no money. Like there’s nothing in our accounts - savings or checking. We bought provisions from the grocery store tonight using nickels and dimes because we’ve already used up all of our quarters.
4. I (partially) blame the gas company for filling our house tank up with $450 worth of gas without us asking them to, so we’re having to pay them back over the next three months. We just don’t have that kind of extra money lying around so it’s really killing us.
5. Also, we just realized that we haven’t paid our internet bill this month. Phil’s going to call and ask if we can pay after he gets paid on the 15th. But still. I’m not sure how we are going to get through the next 10 days - especially since we have less than a quarter tank of gas in the car (which is ironic since we now have more gas in the tank for our house than we’ll use in an entire year).
6. My point is…. here’s my Etsy shop! http://www.etsy.com/shop/PossumTree?ref=si_shop
I have a lot of cool stuff in there. And I’ve marked down a lot of prices to make things more affordable for people. Christmas is coming so it’s a good time to buy gifts! :D And you can rest assured that the money you spend will likely go towards buying food for Maypop and all of our other pets - including the two very cute kittens we took in on Sunday! :)
6. I’m kind of paranoid everyone is mad at me.
7. I messaged my mom last night about a present for my younger sister and she never messaged me back. Even though according to Facebook’s evil devices, she read my message. And the message I sent after that saying that I would do something else if she thought it was a bad idea. I don’t know why she’s not answering. I suspect it has something to do with the fact that, apparently, she’s called me three times in the last week and I never answered, even though she left me voice messages. I honestly did not get those calls or messages, but she must think I’m lying.
8. Also, I’m not going to my Monday night writing meeting tonight because I still feel so lousy. Unfortunately, I didn’t go last week either. So I texted Adria and explained and said I hoped she still had a nice evening. Her response: “thanks.” She doesn’t usually answer like that. So I suspect she’s annoyed, which makes me feel bad.
9. Also, I’ve been considering a theory. I wonder if people who lie all the time, suspect that everyone else is lying all the time too. If that’s the case, then people who lie can neither be trusted, nor can they ever trust anyone else. Seems like a rather sad existence…
1. I really honestly don’t think I will survive this month without writing. I won’t write my NaNo novel (obviously) but I feel like I just haaavvveee to wrriiittee sommmeeethiiiiing. Even if it’s just a short story.
2. Also, it has been a good day.
3. I ran six miles this morning (I think the nightmare I had about the marathon last night scared me into it).
4. Phil only worked half a day because it’s Columbus Day (and got paid like…quadruple for it because he didn’t actually have to go in at all but did anyway).
3. We got the oil changed in our car FINALLY. And snuck over to Red Lobster to get some of their ridiculously delicious and ridiculously cheap biscuits to eat for lunch while we waited for the car.
4. And it has been so perfectly rainy and so perfectly COLD today. I’ve been freezing all day and loving it. Autumn is here!
1. I want to write so badly.
2. But it’s not November.
3. But that shouldn’t stop me from writing, right? I can write whenever I bloody well feel like it, right?
4. But if I write now, I will write the story I planned for NaNoWriMo. And If I write that story, what will I write in November?
5. Something else? Surely I can come up with something else…right?
6. But I have soooo much to dooooo in October. I have to get ready for NaNoWriMo as an ML, not just a participant. I have stuff to buy and order and organize. Plus the marathon. That’s really soon! And apparently a Halloween Party at my house? Plus two of my sisters have birthdays this month and I need to buy and/or make them presents. And Christmas is getting closer and I haven’t bought or made any presents. And I have those bottles to paint for that customer. And I have to make more stuff for my shop and sales have been up this week which means I will (hopefully) be busy filling orders all month.
I’ll never have time to write the story. At least not properly and I want to write the story properly.
7. Sigh. I guess I will just settle for mapping the story out.
1. I just got a PHONE CALL from the first customer of mine to ever buy one of my wine bottles from Etsy! She just received the bottle and has made a special request for TWO MORE. I’m very excited right now :)
2. On the down side, I hurt my foot at some point this week and was unable to do my 20 mile run this morning :( The marathon is in two weeks and I’m worried.
3. Someone is walking through Barnes and Noble with their baby in a full sized Target shopping cart. Surely this isn’t allowed?
You guys are my bright and shining stars. Thank you.
1. So far today, my Etsy stats run as followed:
614 views; 76 favorites (9 for shop, 67 for individual listings); 3 orders
2. My head is still spinning. I guess there’s a few people who like me okay after all.